


How to Throw Yourself at the Ground and Miss

by valderys



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: M/M, Slice of Life, Stream of Consciousness, Wingfic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-12-21
Updated: 2017-12-21
Packaged: 2019-02-18 01:20:42
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,706
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/13089447
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/valderys/pseuds/valderys
Summary: In which our heroes continue to have adventures - they're just a little less dramatic these days.  Simon is really glad about that.





	How to Throw Yourself at the Ground and Miss

**Author's Note:**

  * For [Beltenebra](https://archiveofourown.org/users/Beltenebra/gifts).



> Pinch hit written over two days, so apologies if any details have escaped me - I didn't have time to re-read the book.

SIMON

I don't know what I thought it would be like, sharing a flat with Penny, after everything, after the Mage, but it didn't turn out to be anything like I had imagined. It turned out to be _better_. 

For example, Penny being the organised sort, we have a chores rota on the fridge, and if I was lucky Penny would let me help her with the colouring in. I never knew I could be the sort of person who gets pleasure from a chores rota. Perhaps because it was such a Normal thing to have? And I had reason to loathe being among Normals when I was growing up. But then the orphanages are nothing like our flat.

We have a microwave too and I have discovered I love making popcorn in it. You can get terribly cheap bags of kernels with fake butter coating (three for a £1!) which I just love. I love counting down the seconds (2 minutes exactly in our microwave, or the popcorn burns, it turns out) I love listening for the first pops, and watching the bag get huge and fat with steam, and trying not to burn my hands when I open it, although it turns out that opening waxed paper bags is something my tail is actually good for. Who could have guessed that? It may look like a cartoon devil's tail but the arrow shaped pointy bit at the end is pretty sharp. Which is useful for cutting open popcorn bags but not so good when it gets caught in the sheets and tears holes. All my sheets have holes in them now, but that still seems like such a mundane problem compared to all the various dire things I've faced at Watford over the years, that I don't really care. Baz has claimed that my tail has scratched him in the night but since he can't show me any evidence of wounds in the morning, I think he's full of it. I think he just likes complaining. 

No, scratch that, I _know_ he likes complaining, and I also happen to know that when I wake up first (I nearly always wake up first) my tail is usually wrapped around him, some body part or another, and I see no evidence for injury. Anyway, he's a super strong vampire, how's my little tail going to hurt him! It didn't stop Baz sticking a cork on the pointy bit one night though, after I'd fallen asleep (I always fall asleep first) and I didn't notice until I was having a shower the next morning and realised I was absentmindedly bouncing my tail off the tiled walls (in time with my singing, but we probably shouldn't go there, there's a reason I only sing in the shower). 

Baz's face was a picture when I came out with it between my fingers. He made some crude quip about butt plugs of all things, which made me blush - it is ridiculous that he can still make me blush, even though we've been proper boyfriends for months now and roomates for years before that. You'd think by now I'd be used to him (I'm not, I'm not sure I'll ever be). Anyway, it was because of that comment that I was chasing him through the flat, and I was still wet, although luckily I had a towel around my waist. Lucky for anyone watching I mean, because when the inevitable happened and I slipped, skidded into the side table (the one with the totally normal spider plant on it) which barked my shins, caused me to lose my balance and tipped me flailing out of the window, no-one caught an eyeful. Well, except for my wings and my tail which weren't hidden yet, of course. Perhaps I should have been more worried about them? 

Then there was the rather more terrifying prospect of the two storey fall but there was barely any time for me to process that, before I was being gently floating back into the living room, with ' _ **Light as air!**_ ' on Penny's lips. It was genuinely the first time I had noticed her there on the sofa, now with a spilt bowl of cornflakes and milk slopping onto her leggings. I felt bad about that, but was grateful for the save - but then I knew that Penny would always save me, it's just the thing she does. I just felt bad for putting her in the position once more and in such a silly way. But that's what I mean - I love sharing a flat with Penny, it's so wonderful and normal, even the _dangers_ are mundane. I just love it all so much.

BAZ

Well. It was just a joke, you see? A silly little joke. And it lead to a silly little accident, and the window happened to be open because Penny likes healthful fresh air in the mornings - which is horrendous, if you ask me, although nobody does. And then my Simon - yes, mine, and it's all too new for me not to be possessive so you'll just have to get used to it - although in some ways I hope I never do. Anyway, there he was, a vision of manly strength, all beaded with water and in nothing but a towel - yes, thank you, I know how utterly scrumptious that image is, I was there - and then just as suddenly he was flying out of the window. Well, my heart was in my throat, I don't mind telling you - although not literally, honestly, I'm a vampire, not a zombie. And then I realised that the silly arse wasn't flying, like he should be perfectly able to do with those wings of his, he was instead plummeting - in a strong and manly fashion, I have no doubt, but really. The pavement would have rather messed up his beautiful face and then what would I have done? I mean, what would the World of Mages have done without their hero? Yes, that's what I meant, of course it was.

Anyway, I might have screamed, just a little, a terribly manly scream, thanks for asking, but Penny was on the case. Well, isn't she always, that girl is too bloody good at everything, if you ask me. Still, in this instance I can't complain, I suppose, but really it gets wearing, after a while. She's a tiring person to be around, I find. Perhaps that's why I lounge about so much when she's there, because it irritates her, I can tell. I don't live to irritate Penelope Bunce but I'm not denying it's a bonus.

So there was Simon on the floor in a heap, still with water beading his shoulders - what? It's important! - and milk dripping from his hair, because Penny had moved so speedily, she'd upset her breakfast. Small price to pay, I say. And then we were just staring around at each other and there was one of those moments, where I thought someone would say something profound - the Mage would have, if he was still alive - or at least someone should start laughing, except that nobody did. 

Right then, said Penny then, if I remember rightly, and in quite a grim voice. Simon is going to have to learn to fly.

PENNY

Honestly, I don't know what they were thinking! Well, I know they weren't really thinking at all. Boys will be boys, as he saying goes (ooh, and I wonder what spell I can turn that into...) but in my case, living with a pair of lovesick fools is endearing, but also exasperating, frustrating and headache-inducing. It had not occurred to me that now Simon doesn't have his magic any more, that his wings were not automatically going to work, until he was halfway though the window and nosediving the pavement, so it was a miracle I managed to get ' _ **Light as air!**_ ' out as quickly as I did. I expect that it was because I was eating a bowl of rice krispies, not cornflakes, and was contemplating ' _ **Snap, crackle and pop!**_ ' as a potential firework spell, although I knew it had been around since the seventies, so there was probably something wrong with it, or it would already be in use...

Anyway, the point was it didn't take more than a second to get from ' _ **Snap, crackle and pop!**_ ' to ' _ **Light as air!**_ ', it seemed obvious to me, although I am aware that my mind and the connections it forms are not the same as other people's. And it took only a second more of us staring at each other afterwards to put together another conclusion. Right then, I said, Simon is going to have to learn to fly.

Of course, Simon immediately protested, because his confidence has been in the toilet ever since he lost his magic and killed the Mage. He said it wasn't necessary, that he was Normal now, and ordinary, and he didn't need to learn to fly, but I expected that of him. I've been bucking up Simon Snow ever since we were eleven, so that bit was easy. No, it was Baz I worried about. We get on all right now, but things are still a bit tense occasionally. I find his sarcasm baffling at times, as I'm sure he finds my... work ethic, I suppose. He was the enemy for so long, there's bound to be some tension. Although he's terribly protective of Simon, which is the thing we share, and makes it easier for me to understand him at all - he just tends to cover it up with bitchiness.

But as it turned out, Baz thought it was a tremendously good idea too. So that was all right.

SIMON

I couldn't make either of them see what a terribly bad idea it was. I was Normal now, completely without magic, it was just that I happened to have wings and a tail. But they were left over in some way, vestigial, that's the word they use in biology textbooks. They were the vestiges of my magic before I poured it all into the Humdrum. You can't go about expecting vestigial limbs to do anything useful, now can you? I mean human beings have the remains of a tail for example - you see it in embryos and you can feel it - it's your tailbone, your coccyx. But most people don't go about thinking that means they can use the damn thing as an _actual tail_. 

Ok, that was probably a stupid example, as I do have an actual tail. This is why I don't win arguements with Penny or with Baz.

But I couldn't get them to agree with me that learning to fly was both pointless and dangerous. In fact they were both so keen they took me up to roof of our block of flats right then and there. Which was even higher than the window I'd nearly fallen out of, as I pointed out to them - defenestration, that's called. I love interesting words these days, now I don't have to try and make them work for me, now I don't have to worry about controlling my magic or anything else. We stood on the flat roof at the back, which looks down into a kind of scrubby yard and Baz cast ' _ **There's nothing to see here!**_ ' which I have always hated, as he well knows, and Penny cast ' _ **Now hands that do dishes can be as soft as your face**_ ' which improbably produces loads of large bubbles that can act as pillows, instead of just giving someone very soft skin, which is its literal meaning. Well, that's why magical theory is so complicated, I suppose. It's not like I have to really worry about it any more.

And I was still arguing that this was pointless minutes later, when even Penny was starting to look a little bit fed up. I should have guessed what would happen next, really, shouldn't I? I bet you know. Yep, Baz pushed me off the roof. 

I'm sure he did it with love.

BAZ

Hah, as if anyone was even surprised. I've been the only person to constantly challenge Simon Snow, over seven years - yes, alright, there was the Humdrum, and the Mage, and all those people trying to kill him, and the Old Families... I was _one_ of the people constantly challenging Simon Snow and I'd like to see where any of the others are now, hmm? Award for Most Persistent, that's me. Besides, the arguements were getting circular and boring, and he really did need to learn to use those appendages of his as more than fun sex aids. Penny and I might not always be around, after all. It's one of my more frequent nightmares, failing to get there in time to save him, not that I tell Simon about that - but he always seems to know regardless. Well, of course he does, he's Simon Snow.

So one good shove and he was off the roof. I peered after him in an interested manner, because I knew he'd be fine - Penny had cast ' _ **Now hands that do dishes can be soft as your face**_ ' after all. This is tough love, he'd bounce at worst... And at best, he'd spread those red leather monstrosities of his, with those stupid grey spikes at the hinges, and he'd soar...

I'm proud of my brilliance. I'm also jealous as all hell, because I know I'll never manage a spell to create what now comes so naturally to Simon. Is it such a sacrifice, giving up his magic for the ability to fly, to really fly? I suppose I could work hard at spell theory, really hit the Magic Words books, but I instinctively knew it wouldn't make enough difference. If even Penny can't manage a proper flying spell... Not that I'll ever tell her I think she's that brilliant.

Instead I watched Simon spiral up and up, like something from a dream or a myth. I'm so lucky, I thought. He's so beautiful and he's mine.

God, kill me now, I've come over all sentimental.

PENNY

I have to admit I was worried. For about a second or perhaps a little longer. But however much my inbuilt distrust of Baz leapt into my nerves and reflexes - my hand did move towards my wand - my mind and heart told me that he loves Simon. That Simon was in no danger.

Instead I watched Simon plunge and then spread those ridiculous red leather wings of his and turn the fall into a dive. I watched as he must have caught an updraft as, with one mighty beat, the wing's membranes swelled and caught the air, lifting him into a rising climb. Simon looked surprised to start with, but after the first instinctive panicked flap, he got that look of concentration on his face, the one I'm so familiar with because I face it every time I try and teach him something new.

I thought I could even make a guess at what Simon's thinking had been - he'd automatically assumed that because he had no magic that the wings wouldn't work. That it was only ever magic that had let him fly. I couldn't blame him - Simon never does think anything through. But when they were conjured Simon hadn't used his magic specifically for that, he'd just asked it to help him to travel and this is what it had conjured for him. Physical wings that he could use to fly - probably imbued with some magic to help lighten Simon, or there probably wouldn't be enough natural aerodynamic force generated to provide enough lift, but still. Proper wings and proper flying, that didn't disappear with his magic because they were already created. Does that make sense? Good.

Then I looked over at Baz, to see how he was taking it and there were tears in his eyes. I swallowed, because it felt like too raw a glimpse for me to be intruding upon - he'd hate that I've seen him like that. And then I realised that I was overthinking things again. That this was a lovely moment and Simon was glorious and I should just appreciate that.

SIMON

Wheeeeeeeeee!


End file.
